Overcoming Obesity Ostracization (Nyx)

I’m Nyx. 24, kind of musician, little bit of a barista, full-time dog lover.

What is one of the greatest challenges you have had to overcome in your life?

Learning to love the body I was born in. Not in a way I would call dysphoric, like some of my trans friends, but in the way I knew I was comfortable with who I was, just not my weight. Ever since I was little I was the chunky kid, the one who my Dad needed to buy extra large for. All my siblings got the nice, skinny-jean size bodies and I got my grandma’s thunder thighs.

How did you initially react to this challenge?

I hid in the shadows mostly, sticking to the other ‘fat’ kids who I knew wouldn’t judge me like the others at school. But my uniform size was bigger than even the boys in my grade, because of course they don’t go into puberty as quick as girls. Which sucked when I was this giant ten-year-old girl next to these bean-pole prepubescent gangly lads.

I was your classic wallflower in the big boring shirts, I wore jeans and long pants all year round to hide my stretch marks. In the summer I never swam in pools with my friends. When they had pool parties or went to the beach for a weekend, I would always be mysteriously sick or caught up in a family event.

Clothes shopping was nightmarish with my eager aunty who would shout over and under the dressing room doors asking me to show her the clothes. But my head would be stuck, muffin tops over skirts, pants not going over my thighs. Eventually I stopped accepting her shopping invitations and took hand-me-downs, religiously.

Did your reaction change toward the challenge?

Most certainly. Only it took me until I was graduated and out of school, out of the toxic spaces of high school, delete my social media and ‘start again’ did I realise—hey, I’m not ugly. It didn’t help that when all the girls my age were growing up into gorgeous swans, I had this idea that I was just born an ugly duckling and I should just accept my fate as the D.U.F.F—the Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

They made a movie about that phrase, and it irritated me how the main character who was meant to be the D.U.F.F was literally the coolest, most intelligent and cute-next-door-neighbour stereotype. Sure, her friends were models, but she was definitely not the outcast I wanted, this coming from a genuine real life D.U.F.F.

But once I ditched high school, left my hometown, branched out where I could meet a whole new demographic of people, my horizons literally and figuratively expanded. I also didn’t have social media for like, six months, and even though it was rough keeping in touch with my friends from home and their lives, it helped my mental health surrounding my body image heal. Once I stopped believing lies about hot-skinny-blondes only getting attractive partners did I also simultaneously stop basing my romantic worth on how heavy I was. It didn’t help that I grew up near the beach where if you didn’t do something related to sand or water you were lame.

Once I stopped caring about idiot guys who didn’t realise every female has stretch marks or cellulite, once I stopped thinking there was only one type of pretty, things became easier. Easier as in blocking out the haters, blocking out toxic-ness. It was still a mission to find cool clothes that fitted my aesthetic or I actually could afford. Op-shopping became cool in my early twenties, and that might have been the best news I heard.

What did you ultimately learn? Good or bad?

Healthy isn’t a singular thing to everyone. Diets and fasting done for the wrong reasons only made my mental health worse. Comparison kills and my body is what makes me live this gorgeous life. Sure, most days are a mountain to climb but I have studiously taught myself to find something small everyday to make it a good day.

Do you often tell people about this challenge? Why or why not?

I mean, does it count if everyone who sees notices I’m plus-size? I guess it counts because technically everyone ‘knows’. But I only speak to friends about how hard it truly was to refuse looking in mirrors or hang scarves to hide reflective surfaces. People have become less judgmental or at least less expressive about their judgment. But back then, it was always embarrassing to be seen as dirty, unclean, unhealthy. No matter how hard I dieted or starved my self or wrapped bandages around my skin to tighten it, nothing worked.

Would you go through it again for the same outcome?

This is a hard question. So, I’ll give a hard answer. Yes and no. If I was younger, I would say no, I wouldn’t go through the same public humiliation, fashion struggles, or social media influence. But I would say yes, today. The things I went through back then made me appreciate all my body has done and continues to do for me. I can walk, run, climb, wear amazing brands, I am stronger than most females my age and the people who I am attracted to, also appreciate how confident and elegant I can be while remaining bigger than them. The outcome now is that I get to talk about the struggle in a real way, in a way where I know I made it out the other end feeling amazing and proud to have thunder thighs and squishy tummy and thick biceps. if anything, I would have deleted my social media earlier.