Pill Panic (Cloey)

Hi, I’m Cloey, I’m 21 turning 22 this year. I’m studying a Bachelor of Science and Journalism, I have interests in pretty much everything, it’s a little all over the place. A bit disorganized but its chaotic and its fun. I work in hospitality and I’m trying to get more roles in journalism because story-telling is something I find really interesting.

What is one of the greatest challenges you have had to overcome in your life?

The most recent struggle that I can reflect on the most was that last year I went on the contraceptive pill. It was this crazy, insane experience that I wasn’t expecting. I didn’t realise how big of a decision it was until coming off the tail end, and how it affected me. I got my first boyfriend a little while ago, and a couple months in, I wanted to be practicing safe sex and also said to myself ‘Hey, I really don’t want to be pregnant right now’.

I made a doctor’s appointment with a local GP and I wanted to figure out what the best decision was for myself. When I went in, I had just taken the morning after pill, I was vulnerable and my hormones were all over the place. I had finally stopped crying for more than thirty minutes. But when I went in she was kind of frustrated by my questions, that’s the feeling I got. I don’t know if it was a cultural difference, you know her judging me at 21 for having sex, I know that’s a bit outdated but I found myself feeling self-conscious.

I was asking her about the pill, what it does, the side effects, and asking her about other options for safe sex, and obviously condoms came up. But she was just rehearsing things from a pamphlet. It wasn’t in-depth knowledge and I felt like she hadn’t ever been put in that situation, which was strange to me, her being a female GP. Maybe it was just me, expecting her to have all the answers, which might have been unfair, but it still felt like a bad situation. The doctor went through the basic guidelines and that was it.

How did you initially react to this challenge?

I walked out of there with a prescription and feeling really shitty. I went to my mum and had a couple of fights with her. She kept saying ‘don’t do it’, but I told her I had to try and it felt like the best decision.

So, I started taking it and it was great. It was fine. I felt really good for the first couple of months, hormones and periods were regulated.

Then, I was down, dampened, libido crashed and I was all over the place. I didn’t realise how terrible I was feeling, I had no motivation, I was depressed.

I would have these days where just as my period was finishing, that week of not taking the pill, I would have this moment of clarity and energy. I didn’t realise it was because my body had had a break.

I made the decision in December of last year to stop taking it again. I have more energy, I’m excited. I didn’t realise how much the contraceptive pill affected me. By the way, the male hormonal pill is coming out soon and it has no hormonal affects. The one criticism was that it wasn’t chewable.

I did some research and the contraceptive pill hasn’t really changed since the 1960s. Sixty years of negative effects for sexual freedom. It’s been positive in some ways, like I wasn’t anxious about getting pregnant, for the most part, but still sixty years is a long time for no change.

Did your reaction change toward the challenge?

I had been on the pill for about a year and I had this moment of ‘I can’t keep doing this’. I can’t keep being angry and frustrated. My body had changed so much. I didn’t feel like myself in my body anymore, it didn’t feel like mine. I stopped wearing bras for that whole year because I couldn’t find something that fit. When I went to go buy bras in a shop, I would end up crying because nothing felt right.

What did you ultimately learn? Good or bad?

I was making this decision to be on the pill originally for a peace of mind. I had sacrificed my happiness to an extent for that independence. I feel like it wasn’t quite worth it at the end of the day. It was a huge learning curve. I don’t regret it. I needed to do it. I learned a lot from it, which is the main point. Despite my mum being frustrated by the situation.

It was cool and it highlighted some inner struggles. Because I hadn’t been on the pill before I didn’t ask those important questions earlier in life, not until I was 20 and needing a quick solution.

Do you often tell people about this challenge?

With my partner, but it’s hard because he doesn’t quite understand. He doesn’t have to take hormones that affect him. I’m open to questions and talking about it but I don’t go around starting conversations. But when I was going through the height of the effects, I was asking people around me, ‘is this happening to you too, or am I just crazy?”, “Am I needing to see a psychologist? What is happening?”

Would you go through it again for the same outcome?

I think I would. It taught me a lot about myself. One of those life lessons that you need to experience in order to move forward. Even though it was painful and a struggle it was an experience and a teaching moment, I learnt a lot. I can now teach and help other people and continue to learn and help myself.